Water Weight

By no means are any of my posts meant to make people feel bad for me. Tonight I'm tired so I'll probably get into what is and isn't working for me tomorrow. I think I have to email the specialist I was working with previously on suggestions. I have been cheating not because of cravings per se but because of wants. 'll discuss that tomorrow and hopefully I'll have some suggestions from her.

Last week and especially the weekend I was having a slight headache. Then the noise in my ear (tinnitus) is associated with the pseudotumor cerebri. Well I have only been hearing it in my right ear (for years) and it is getting quite annoying. It basically goes along with my heartbeat. Since I am usually by myself I almost always hear it. Anyway, it started happening in my left ear and I was getting nervous. When I had a lumbar puncture done in October, I was laying on my back for basically a week. I had a terrible headache whenever I would sit up. I was given prescription pills to lower the excess fluid but it made me nauseous. Because me wanting to lose weight, I need to. It has potential to even lead to blindness although there is no guarantee and my vision is fine now. I was told to stop taking the pills but took one last week. The next day I woke up to a 3 lb. loss. I only took the one but this past Saturday took another one. Another 3.4 lb. loss. I can't add them together because I have gained that weight back. What I have learned is I'm retaining the fluid with all the extra water I'm drinking. This is the most water I've ever had and I wasn't going to the bathroom that much. Take the pill and I was up 10 times that night. I meet with the specialist next week and I don't want any recommendations except for keep losing weight.

The pills make me feel better but then there are other negative side effects (tingling in the fingers and toes, nausea, and carbonated drinks taste like Alka Seltzer). I have to make this work not only for myself but for others suffering from this condition. Some end up having Gastric Bypass to lose weight. This is the answer and I am the key.

Thanks everyone!

I wanted to thank everyone for their encouraging words. Evenings are always the worst for me because I am pretty much forcing the food down my mouth during the day. The other day I was eating chicken and was drinking water just to get it down. I gave up at the end and decided I'll get something I actually want. My biggest mistake is I go to the extremes. By the time I have a little piece, I end up with more than I needed in hopes I can start fresh the next day. I only have about 10 days or so left on this round and need to make the best of it. If I can be under 200 or at least very close to it, it will be great.

I truly don't think that most people can understand the magnitude food has on me. It may seem like an excuse to cheat but it always isn't the case. Other times I do think I give in to easily. Today for instance, I was going to the gym and thought maybe I will eat a stalk of celery before I go. I'm pretty much afraid of hunger because that is when I binge. I took a couple bites of the celery and felt bad because I wasn't hungry. I can't get to the point to tell myself it is okay. I may also be punishing myself in an unconscious way for overeating all these years. The celery is still there (it still has a bad taste eating it plain). I have eliminated a lot of stuff I can eat. The chicken breast is too dry (I've never liked the breast part anyway) then I can't stand scallops too much, especially baked or broiled because they taste rubbery. No salad greens because dressing is too tempting and now the celery. And let's not talk Stevia. I've decided to burn the packets because they definitely don't work well in my tea. It's just me and water now.

It sounds bad but I made up my mind I only have a few more days to go. I may have to do like a kid and either eat what I have or not eat at all :-) I don't want to take the opportunity for granted thought and would have never applied if I wanted to stay overweight.

The Good, Bad, and the Ugly

After my weekend of going back and forth between cheating and not cheating, I asked for help and ended up checking out a book at the library on emotional eating. I'm learning a lot about myself but now I need to figure out how to make myself better. One thing I do know is that I like to avoid problems. Maybe that is when eating comes in. I'm hoping I don't cheat throughout the entire round of this protocol but I keep telling myself don't beat yourself up. This is a lifelong struggle. If it was easy everyone would be skinny and wouldn't be searching for a magic pill.

I'm now at 211.6 and was at 214.6 after the load. In almost a week's time, I have only lost 3 lbs. That is disappointing but I just looked at my weekly weigh in log since I weigh in weekly anyway. Since the beginning of the year, I have lost 14 lbs. I definitely would not have been able to do that on my own.

I listened to Joel Osteen this week and he said something like you are not your past, your past prepares you for your future. I fear being upfront thinking I may be judged. How could I have so little willpower? I should have toughed it out. This blog has allowed me to be open and honest with myself. I don't think it is a mistake that I was chosen and definitely don't see myself failing at the task. It may take me a little while to get it together but the bright side is I may be able to help someone else deal with their issues and not have as hard of a time as myself.

Down 3LBS.

Well I managed to lose 3 lbs. since yesterday. I am happy about that but find that food is being my enemy. I'm working hard and finding some solution that will work and fast. I can't spend my life being overweight. Besides the self esteem issue, I have medical reasons for losing weight. Today, it is raining and gloomy. Both of them are making my eyes and my feet heavy.

Over the Hurdle but Still Having Issues

Well I made it yesterday and today is almost over. I may have to get some melba toast and make my own chicken tenders. I'm not hungry but I guess since dinner is coming near, my mind is on food. I'm trying to occupy my mind for now. I actually tried to make it to the store to get some fresh fish and vegetables but there was traffic on the beltway so I turned around.

Anyway, I also mentioned in a previous blog that I had pseudotumor cerebri. I just took one of the prescription pills because I fill like the noise in my right ear is starting in my left. I see my specialist in a couple of weeks but don't know if it may be somewhat worse. The medicine made me naseuous before so I quit taking it. I'm hoping one pill just helps a little.

Now to my funny story, last night I went to bed and dreamed I had was eating a bagel with cream cheese. A plain bagel at that. It is really funny because I haven't had a bagel in months. It usually makes me really tired. So much for sleeping to get food off my mind :-)

I am down to 214.4 which is -0.6 lbs. from yesterday.

Back on Track

I was going to make this post a good one and wait a few days but what if someone found themselves in my situation and thought they were alone. I crashed on the 1st day of the VLCD (very low calorie diet). I packed my lunch and my snack. I am counting this as my first round although I started the diet a month ago. I just knew it was going to be easy. It was not. I found myself really hungry the 1st day. I ate my 1/2 of grapefruit and focused on my water. Even took a walk but I was still hungry. I ate my lunch which was steak and cabbage. Since I am use to getting hungry around 2pm, I just knew that would hold me until I got home. I ended up having the other 1/2 of grapefruit because I was still hunrgy. By the time I got home, I had two strawberries (this is cheating to me because I already had my allotted fruit). That didn't work and my fish wasn't baking fast enough. I tried a celery stick but it had a bad taste. Next thing I just got a couple of chips and crackers. That's when the bad cheating began. I gave into my food addiction and just wanted that hunger feeling to go away. I didn't even try yesterday (Friday) because I was gone all day. I won't mention what I had but it was not in the protocol at all.

I feel really bad. I am doing a short round because of travel and want to make the most of it. My body is going through the motions. Today I have done good so far. I wanted to go to the gym to this dance class I love and the International Food store afterwards but knew I would be starving so I opted to go to the store for a few items. International Food Stores normally have all kinds of fish and they will clean them for you. Their produce is usually cheaper too. I'll have to do that another day. I chopped up some cucumber for a snack and had that and a apple so far. I'm about to lay down and watch some tv. It is about 80 degrees outside and I feel bad enough for feeling fat and hot now. I don't want to spend my summer like this. I will get through this bad time and make progress. I really didn't prepare for the hurdles before but I need to move forward.

According to the charts, I have attained 1% of my goal. It's a brighter way of looking at the situation. With all the talking I did, I want to press forward.

Current Weight: 215.2
BF: 38%

Day 2 Load

Surprisingly, I weighed in this morning and had only gained 0.2 lbs. I am definitely not complaining. My weight was at 214.2 and I had a body fat of 38%. I also did my measurements (in inches), which are as follows:

Chest: 38.5
Waist: 42
Tummy: 44.5
Hips: 51
Left Arm: 15
Right Arm: 15
Left Thigh: 27
Right Thigh: 27

After waiting so long, I'm definitely looking forward to getting rid of the load days. My current dilemna is I am starting my new job on May 12 and my office wants to give me a luncheon. I told them I was staying away from restaurants and don't want to be rude by telling them to go alone in my honor :-) Some places do sell grilled or baked fish. Maybe steak but I'll have to look at the menus beforehand. My second option is to not bring it up and keep stalling until I leave.

Day 1 - Load

I weighed in this morning at 214 with a body fat of 38%. I was at 221 at the beginning of the year, maybe higher, so I'm glad to have maintained at 214 despite all the junk I was eating. I tried to take full advantage of the load day.

Breakfast - Frosted flakes with 1% milk and banana
Lunch - Cheeseburger, small fries, caramel sundae with nuts (yum!)
Snack - Blueberry yogurt
Dinner - Smothered chicken, mac & cheese, greens, cornbread
Dessert - 3 Thin Mint cookies I had left

I think after my first injection I started feeling hungry maybe an hour later. In fact, I'm sure my stomach was growling.

It's Here

My shipment is now complete. For everyone in the challenge who has not received theirs, then I hope it arrives soon. I'll be starting my load day tomorrow and spend tonight figuring out how to mix this stuff. I will be posting my results in the next few days.

I'm almost ready to go to bed and just finished mixing my HCG. After I read through the instructions several times, it was actually pretty easy. I'm sure I did it correct. Now off to find my dosage amount.

Boo Hoo

Not only is it pouring down raining and I am scheduled to go out to eat tonight but my water and syringes didn't arrive. I ran to the mailbox when I got home to see if they had left a notice. I just knew I was going to start the low calorie diet Monday. I hope I haven't done too much damage. I'm going out of town at the beginning of May so I wanted as much time as possible to lose some weight before leaving. I'm hoping it gets here early next week. I will wait to do my measurements then just in case I grow an inch around my waist. The positive side (I guess) is I can do more planning of my meals. I did buy some thin boneless chicken breasts. I actually can't stand chicken breasts but it was my excuse to cheat the last time. Me and food definitely need to have a talk this time.

Still Waiting

I know the package with the syringes, etc. is on the way but I'm anxious. I'm actually getting tired of eating crap. I brought some peach lemonade yesterday and what were the ingredients. High fructose corn syryp, food starch, glycerol ester of wood rosin (now what is that), sunflower oil, and brominated vegetable oil. Somehow I am still drinking it but why is oil in juice. It is finally sinking in that this is a lifestyle change. Who wants to put that stuff in their body.

The mail lady handed me my mail today and said I think I have a package for you. My eyes lit up like a child on Christmas. She hands it to me and it wasn't the one I was waiting for. I started to tell her to takes it back. I thought I was going to a shower on Saturday but it is actually Sunday so my load days will be Sat & Sun. Hopefully I will have my stuff by then so I can start getting the weight off starting Monday. It seems that it is starting to get warmer plus I think the sleeves on clothes are starting to decrease :-) I hate my arms so I definitely need to work on that so I don't have to invest in long sleeves in the summer.

Motivation

I was cleaning out my email today and ran across a forward. The message was pretty motivating.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. Love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it. - Author Unknown

In regards to my weight, I have spent a long time trying to convince myself that either I felt fine the way I was or beating myself up for failing at another attempt to lose weight. Sometimes one minor setback ends up making me lose the whole day. One cookie turns into I might as well pig out today and start tomorrow. I'm focusing on letting go. There are far too many things that I have been holding onto that have done no good in my life. It's caused me to be my own prisoner and I want to be free.

I am finally looking at Biggest Loser from last week and they had the Biggest Loser from Australia as a guest. He said this is not the end but the beginning. For me this truly is the beginning. I want to lose weight and start a new life. I wish the same for everyone else.

Spreading the News

I received my vials today but it seems that the needles will be shipped separately as well as the bacteriostic water. I also posted a message to my Yahoo Group giving them my blog link. I think I am ready to share. Then when I logged onto a forum I belong to, there was a message about dieting. They asked what worked for the individual. I am motivated to post my blog link on there and tell them about HCG. I think more people should know about it. Now I am saying maybe not. I guess my natural high is coming down. Then when I post my link, I guess it gives people the freedom to look at everyone else's. I probably will not do it. I try to take other people's feelings into consideration and as hestitant as I was in who to tell, I wouldn't want someone else being recognized. I don't know. I'll probably encourage them to go to the groups or tell them about it in general. After all, these people only know me by my screen name.

Sincerely,
Cheerleader for HCG :-)

It's Here

I just back from being out of town and there was a post office notice left on my door. I was thinking please let this my HCG but there was no name on it, just a reference number. I decided to check the post office so I could pick it up on Monday. Well I went to Drug Delivery's website and noticed that it was the same reference number. I won't be starting until next Sunday (my two load days will be Friday and Saturday). I have two socials to go to and know I won't behave. I was starting to get anxious.

Find the Positive, Eliminate the Negative

I guess since I have spent so much time thinking about weight loss that it has made me question why I became overweight in the first place. What was I trying to avoid? It's made me look at my own personal traits for things I can also work on. One thing I have noticed is that there is only a couple of people that I told the challenge about. Even when I was first introduced to HCG, I only told those same people. When I thought about, I only wanted people that have "invested" in me to know about my personal thoughts. The strangers don't bother me at all. They can read on and I hope they become encouraged that it can work for them too.

When I first told people that I even wanted to see a specialist, some of them said people always want an easy way out. Of course I was offended because I only wanted something that works for me. Not to just take a pill and 5 weeks I am in a slim body. Now they asked what's the link to your blog and I'm thinking why should I give it to you. Everyone has that person (or in most cases, several people) who are always against you. They motivate me too because I just prove them wrong.

When I wonder why I became so "quiet", I realized it was because of other people. I'd rather be uncomfortable than to make someone else feel like that. Regardless if it is my fault or not. For instance, I had someone tell me I could be intimidating. They couldn't give me an example. It came down to I intimate others because I try to accomplish my goals. Crazy, but true. I never realized it but from that point on when someone asked what I did for a living, I hesitated. My first thought was I don't want to intimidate anyone even though I was not an intimidating person, the situation may have been.

As far finding the positive, I have seen situations where people use things to their advantage. What I am trying to say is if you are looking for negative then you will find it. Maybe when I went into a room and someone was laughing, it probably had nothing to do with me at all. But in my mind, I was certain that it was about me. As humans, we sometimes let our own insecurities get in the way. If you are looking for something negative, you will find it. I only plan to focus on the positive. There usually is something positive in every situation, whether its big or small, or even hidden.

Obsessed

For some reason lately, I have been obsessed with weight loss. I got to the movies and think, I want a dress just like that. I want something sleeveless. I can't wait for my stomach to be flat. It's crazy. Of course this is coming from someone who doesn't know what it will be like.

I weigh in on a weekly basis for a support group that I'm in. They are a great group, but unlike some of the other programs, they do not promote any particular plan - just sensible eating. Speaking of which, I ate dinner last night and had more than my portion. After I finished I felt bad and had no idea why I did it. I was full long before the plate was clean but for some reason it was something I had to accomplish.

Back to my weight issue, I have lost weight for 6 weeks in a row (mostly due to HCG). After I stopepd the injections, I was surprised I was still losing because of what I was eating. Last night it caught up with me and I gained 1.8 lbs. in a weeks time. While I know the HCG will get it off quick, I honestly felt like a beach whale. I was tossing and turning and each time I woke up my weight was on my mind. All the setbacks it has caused. All of the social opportunities I may have had and I walked away from fear. I've determined that each pound symbolizes some sort of pain, hurt, disappointment, etc. When I get rid of it, I can fully live. That's my motivation. My first goal is to get under 200, then something sleeveless, and then to get out of the cramped plus size department altogether :-)