9/4

Well today I go see my specialist and I'm sure he will comment on the weight I haven't lost. I might just tell him to wave his magic wand and poof me smaller. It would make all my frustrations go away. I'm mostly irritated. I allowed the hunger to go away last week but my day can go crazy in just a moment. I was in class last week and had to run an errand during lunch. It took me longer than expected so I didn't have time for lunch. By 4pm, I was starving and that's when my wants overshadowed my needs. The next day I tried again, I can't remember what the issue was but then by the weekend my day was ruined by my group exercise class being cancelled. All of it has made me learn that I have more issues than I think. I am an only child, single for years (LOL), no kids, and I learned to just be by myself. I've convinced myself that I am alright with it but I think my eating and lack of all stimulates from being lonely. It has to be it because surely if I was dating or something I would be daydreaming about the person and forgetting my hunger issues. I can go out of town and come back smaller. So all of this has been going on and I didn't want to talk about it. I'm reading and gaining understanding but no solution.

For the past couple of days also I have been having like a low back pain. So I'll be spending my day trying to figure out the cause of that. My system is probably all screwed up. I know my water intake is not up to standards. It is a challenge to drink warm water and I'm so cold at work that I don't want to enter shock from turning into an ice cube.

I honestly feel like a failure when it comes to this challenge because everything else is so easy to me. Would I look at a person with a struggle that isn't mine and say why did you do that, that doesn't work, you aren't committed, etc. I don't see that here but I see enough of it on different groups that it makes me hesitant on sharing. Last week I was watching a woman on tv smoking while she was pregnant. She knew it was wrong but it was addictive to her. I could relate. I don't smoke but I eat what I shouldn't. I wouldn't dare tell the woman she just doesn't care about her child because she did. That is really where my undeserving attitude comes in. I almost feel like I want to lose weight but must not deserve it because it seems so challenging. Nothing else in my life is. Why can't I have a different struggle? Trying right now just doesn't seem good enough to me.