Specialist's Visit...continuation

The doctor has been really great and encouraging, but she is right. I am way too hard on myself and put a lot of pressure on myself. So many aspects of the diet are so new due to a lifelong struggle. To some, it seems so easy but to me it is a balancing act of struggles. A lot of days, giving into one struggle ends up being a complete failure for me. That's when my all or nothing attitude kicks in.

I am definitely one that believes everything happens for a reason. On my way to her office, I asked myself, "Do I deserve this?" While I would want to give a quick yes, I wasn't sure. I can say that a lot of things have occured in my life and I don't think I deserve them yet it happened. I never told her about my thoughts but she told me I deserve this. That I am doing this not only for myself but others that are out there struggling. I had been thinking just last week that I wanted to help others, especially young girls. She also gave me another patient's number and I spoke to her last night. She has lost 60 lbs. in 3 months and is 20 years older than me.

After I got off the phone with her, I had to come to the realization that my fat probably does keep me protected. I always feel that I am an outcast in most situations and the only thing I can think of is being overweight. With every pound lost, it reveals a part of the real me and it is honestly frightening.

I almost feel ridiculous because I know my excuses sound so crazy and minor to other people yet they seem like a mountain to me. I ordered a book to change the way my mind thinks and hope it is here by the time I leave. The plane ride is going to take forever and I need something to do because I can't sit for long. But I said when I come back, I'm ditching the excuses and toughening up. I plan to kick some butt, including my own! I have been through some tough times and have picked myself up so this is no different.

By the way, I bragged about everyone in the challenge :-)