Off to a Rough Start

I thought I would be sharing some great news but I have been sick since I arrived back home. I think it is a cold due to the difference in weather. Yesterday my throat felt like I had swallowed a pile of dirt so I was up all night drinking water and even sucking on ice cubes. I even through in some ice cream for the coolness. Today my throat is better my nose feels like a bad carpet burn. Tomorrow, even if I am miserable, I plan on sticking to the diet. I'd rather be miserable and slimmer than overweight all summer.

Time to go inhale some steam.

Day 2 Load

Today is my second load day. I plan on sticking this out for 43 days. No vacations, no out of town visits or anything so I can focus. When I first got back, I felt like I was sleeping and eating on both time zones. I found myself waking up at 3am and being hungry. It would have been about 10am their time. My sleep isn't completely back to normal either. I'm sure my weight will increase but yesterday I weighed in at 214.2 and after a day of loading I am at 213.6. The less I have to work off. I owe this to myself. I had even stopped wanting to wear skirts and dresses from telling myself my arms and legs were too big. I wore a dress this weekend though and felt good. I think my big challenge will be drinking my water.

I'm Back

I just got back a couple of hours ago. The trip was amazing. I did a 3-day safari and would encourage anyone to go. We went to Ngorongoro and the Serengeti. I will never look at the zoo the same again. My book didn't get here in time for my trip but it is here now. I was trying to read another one but then found myself caught up in the excitement of the trip. From the little I did read, I realized I set myself up for self defeat. As I was looking out the window of a charter plane, I found myself close to tears. Looking over the world gives you a feeling of having no territory. I wanted to cry because it was then that I realized that the only person standing in my way was me. I actually lost some weight while there. The food was fine but they definitely use fresher ingredients and little to no fat. I actually wasn't even eating a whole lot which made me realize that food couldn't be that important to me as what I have made it seem all these years. I am starting fresh Monday with my VLCD. This time I will succeed.

Out of the Country

There was a storm last night so my power was out. When I left at 7am, it still was off. I didn't even think about the scale until I was already dressed and there was no way I was going to start over. I'm already geared up to start fresh on June 23rd.

I will be out of the country from June 6 - 18.

Keep up the great work fellow challengers! I'll catch up before you know it :-)

Out With the Old...

In preparation for my trip, I decided to buy sme new clothes yesterday. I kept telling myself I'm not buying anything new until I lose weight so it has been awhile. Normally I would buy size 18 pants but my capris are in a size 16!!! When I got home and tried them on, they fit just right. Not too big and not tight at all. Then when I went in my closet I saw all the t-shirts I had accumulated. They looked so stretched. I am going to see what I can still wear and pack the others up for donation. Just 3 days left until I leave for Africa. I've never been and plan to have the time of my life. I'm sure it will also be a learning and enriching experience. I've stopped myself from buying new clothes, travelling, etc. I basically stopped living life because maybe I didn't think I deserved it. My excuse for the clothes was I am uncomfortable in them so I wanted to be a size smaller. Then I didn't want to travel alone. I have been standing in my own way, including losing weight. Although the pounds are still there, I feel like my mind is renewed and charged up.

As far as this round, I'm basically back at 216. It has been more rough with going out of town and now out of the country. There has been only a small amount of time in between and then it takes me a week to get adjusted, another week for frustration, and then the last one for giving in. After this trip, I am free until August. It gives me a chance to make up some lost time.

Specialist's Visit...continuation

The doctor has been really great and encouraging, but she is right. I am way too hard on myself and put a lot of pressure on myself. So many aspects of the diet are so new due to a lifelong struggle. To some, it seems so easy but to me it is a balancing act of struggles. A lot of days, giving into one struggle ends up being a complete failure for me. That's when my all or nothing attitude kicks in.

I am definitely one that believes everything happens for a reason. On my way to her office, I asked myself, "Do I deserve this?" While I would want to give a quick yes, I wasn't sure. I can say that a lot of things have occured in my life and I don't think I deserve them yet it happened. I never told her about my thoughts but she told me I deserve this. That I am doing this not only for myself but others that are out there struggling. I had been thinking just last week that I wanted to help others, especially young girls. She also gave me another patient's number and I spoke to her last night. She has lost 60 lbs. in 3 months and is 20 years older than me.

After I got off the phone with her, I had to come to the realization that my fat probably does keep me protected. I always feel that I am an outcast in most situations and the only thing I can think of is being overweight. With every pound lost, it reveals a part of the real me and it is honestly frightening.

I almost feel ridiculous because I know my excuses sound so crazy and minor to other people yet they seem like a mountain to me. I ordered a book to change the way my mind thinks and hope it is here by the time I leave. The plane ride is going to take forever and I need something to do because I can't sit for long. But I said when I come back, I'm ditching the excuses and toughening up. I plan to kick some butt, including my own! I have been through some tough times and have picked myself up so this is no different.

By the way, I bragged about everyone in the challenge :-)