Anyone There?

Okay where is everyone?

Finally

I finally placed my order for my candida cleanse and Ferm Plus. A step in the right direction. This weekend is about making time for me. So much for cleaning today so I will have to get that done tomorrow. I'm about to find out now what watching a movie would be like without researching and reading emails.

A Hint of Victory

A couple of months ago I put my beloved book I was reading about thinking differently about food and forgot where I put it. I was almost starting to think I had lost except for the fact I was basically clutching the book. So I get home today and decided I would clean while watching Biggest Loser from a couple of weeks ago. I could almost shed a tear for some of them. Anyway, I am somewhat weird when it comes to cleaning. I honestly need to clean out my suitcase and put it away but that isn't where I started. I decided to go to my bookcase for some reason. I'm not even sure why I went over there but while I was I decided let me take all the books off and dust the shelf. It didn't even look dirty but since I was going to do some major cleaning I want it to match. I take the books off and find my book. The shelf was so stuffed that I placed it on top of the others so to the visible eye I would have never seen it. Just the other day I was burning extra calories on the floor looking under the bed. :-)

Feeling Depressed

My first thought today to myself is, "What the heck is going on with you?" I was doing well at the beginning of the year and let my weight creep back up. I can't say anything drastic has happened but I feel like there is never enough time in the day. I already have positions I obligated myself to prior to the challenge and luckily they will be up this year. It is taking too much of my time. I am trying to get things done because I have to do it but then I am suffering. At the end of the day I feel like I've worked myself until I'm tired but have nothing to show for it. Stuff is all over the place and I feel like my life is in chaos.

To me achieving my weight loss goals is the happiness to my life. I'm not happy now. I have so many things to look up, people to email for help, etc. But I have to pick myself up and not stay on the ground. So I am ashamed of myself. I can motivate myself but feel like a hypocrite because I can't succeed myself. I'll be over this by the time I get up.

Don't give up on me!!!!!

Hanging in There

I just wanted to send a quick note to say I'm still hanging in there. I tried to relax yesterday and now it is 1am and I have to get up in 5 hours. Time to go to bed. My scale's battery is low so I also have to get another one this week.

Getting Started

For those of you interested in starting HCG, I would encourage you to sing up with one the HCG Yahoo Groups. It is helpful to read Pounds & Inches to get background information on how the protocol came about and what it entails. Also, there are reference files there. After that, jump in. Don't read my post and think it does not work. It does but don't think it will solve all of your issues. I have seen people who do have emotional eating problems and HCG doesn't cure that. My best advice is to find start the protocol and then determine your weaknesses. If you already know them then you have a place to start.

Some days I have no problem at all. Other days I am so frustrated that I use it as a form of defeat. Then it may rain one morning and I wanted it to be sunny so my day feels ruined. It sounds really crazy but it actually does seem to ruin my day. Ask questions but take it with a grain of salt. I've never been the type to give up. When it comes to my weight loss, I can give this up but I will always have challenges losing weight. The main thing I have learned is not being able to lose weight doesn't mean you don't want to, so don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Don't convince yourself that you are happy at your current weight because it seems too difficult.

For me, finding work, studying for exams and getting a degree has never been a challenge for me. Losing weight is. Probably because I had to put so much of myself into it.

Wow

My best response for this morning is, "Wow." To sum it up, I just managed to tell my aunt about my award and sent her a picture. When she stated how astonished she was, I told her I was amazed myself and underestimate myself. I only meant that my accomplishments honestly felt easy to come by. Some people really had to struggle for something. It's not saying that I am not deserving but that it feels like a small portion compared to what others have done in the world. Well she responds back that I have low self esteem. Now everyone I have told this are trying to figure it out as well. While I have issues with my weight, I've never thought of it as making me an undersirable person as a whole. I sent her a long reply back addressing that one.

So then last night I'm coming home and this huge truck in front of me tire bust. It happened so sudden that I hit the tire piece and never thought about it. I go outside this morning and there is a huge dent in the side of my bumper. Why didn't I get the license plate? I was on the highway and the man kept going. Then it was dark and I'm sure the number of the plate was not correct. I couldn't even read a state on it. It's just a live and learn situation. I've never had this happen to me before.

A Boost of Confidence

A few months ago I received a letter from my alma mater saying I was nominated to be selected among 50 alumni. I was to submit an essay on why I should be selected. I did one but was thinking this is nothing, someone is more deserving. Well last month I was sent a letter saying I was selected. Last night was the ceremony and my name now resides on a wall of fame. When I have kids, I will be able to show them. It didn't hit me until this morning that someone saw me as being deserving of an honor even when I didn't. I feel so special now and it must be showing on my face. I feel like I have met a few people in the last couple of days that I have passed in the hallways for months.

So to my fellow challengers, stay encouraged.

Why the Anger?

I was suppose to clarify my anger issues the other days but then I had another one and that seemed the least of my concerns :-) For anyone doing the HCG protocol, it can be easy but it will test all kind of emotions. I guess because you are focusing less on food you focus on more of what happened to make you overweight in the first place.

I'll spare everyone the exact details of how I got angry in the first place. But, to make a long story short, I felt my boss misinterpreted my intentions. I am one who can multitask and neither task suffers. He basically told me because I wanted to volunteer my time at other programs at work that my priorities were not straight. But, I checked the schedule and picked things that would cause least effect on my work or none at all. So now he says I can't participate until late last year. It took me about 3 days to figure out my real reason for being so angry. I was disappointed that I could not participate because I do benefit from the opportunities. But, I was angry that my good intentions were made to seem like they were something bad. Then it made me think about all the other times someone misconstrued my intentions.

It's like I started this challenge. It was suppose to be the answer to all my problems. It has taken this long for me to realize it isn't the protocol at all. Food can be my enemy and my friend. Sometimes it is an issue and others it is not. I'm frustrated with it because I can succeed at almost everything else. I would probably rather switch struggles. At times I don't want to post because I know others are thinking I'm not being serious, not trying, etc. It's why I never take kindness for hearing to quit. Quitting solves nothing and neither does ignoring my problems.

But, I know there are some at the finish line waiting for me. It counts the most.

Thanks for reading.

Where to Start?

I'm starting to think this protocol has some type of evil attached to it. Although I'm being funny, it seems like ever since I even heard about HCG I’ve had to deal with all sorts of issues. I didn’t realize I hadn’t posted anything since last week so I better get moving. Anyway, this week I was starting a detox. I have no idea what I’m doing since there is so much information out there.

Anyway, I normally get up about 6:30AM. About 9ish I ate some oatmeal. I can’t say it was immediately but I felt funny, weird almost. It wasn’t a nauseous feeling or weakness, and definitely wasn’t hunger so I ignored it. An hour later I still felt the same. By lunch time I decided to go to my car and take a nap. I felt slightly better afterwards but by then my body and I were fighting and I was determined to win. I said I’m not hungry so I’m not eating. I did eat some fruit but that was about noon. By 7PM I was still fighting and not eating. I didn’t eat until 8:30 and by then I kept going back for more and more. I felt like I couldn’t stop. Then the guilt set in and I was right back where I started.

The next morning I was depressed and almost in tears. I feel like a strong person but when it comes to eating I am weak. My mind plays tricks on me and it is frustrating. I have said it was the food but when I am free to go I am not grabbing for the stuff I say I want. As soon as I think lose weight, I almost feel like I’m starving. So I must admit I had taken an appetite suppressant to avoid the hunger. I took one the day before and didn’t feel weird. It wasn’t a jittery feeling either. I don’t take these regularly and never experienced any weird feelings before.

To lead onto tomorrow’s post, I sent an email to Cindy and as she read through my cry for help, she made a list of what I stated my issues are and what they aren’t. It gave me a great idea to add to her list and focus on one problem at a time. Then move on to the next one until it is all crossed off.