Shopping

I went to several stores in the past few days and either I didn't find anything or the things I brought has to be taken back for larger sizes. Clothes are cut smaller these days and obliously lack sleeves and material. By the time I find a decent dress, it is in black and white. I am so frustrated. Most of my weight is around my stomach which makes me feel awful in nearly everything. This has to get better.

Health Care

The health care system stinks. I attend a weekly weight loss support group and see people that have struggled with their weights for years. I have always been against food charts, mainly because writing down what I am going to eat doesn't stop me from eating it. Nor am I clueless that I shouldn't be having it. Most of us suffer from cravings. It makes me mad that I have talked about foods to my doctors many years and so many of them never mention Candida or even test you for it. I never knew about it myself until I found HCG. So I am planning on doing a presentation on it along with Stevia to the group.

My specialist prescribed me a RX medication for Candida. I think it was about $60 for one bottle and I only did it twice. Then I find out that the Candida can regrow. You mean I paid $120 and it could come back. Through all my searches for help, I received some suggestions from Victoria. She recommended a product, FermPlus, to grow, colonize, and renourish the microflora. Her website is http://www.significanthealing.com/. I know of someone else doing HCG that said she tried it and it has benefitted her. It seems a lot of us are having problems with cravings that HCG doesn't cure, so you may be able to benefit from the info on her site. There is also a free test to tell if you have candida issues.

New Goal

I stopped the injections last week and plan to start again with a clean on August 11th. I was thinking of doings nuts and other healthier fattier foods but now I'm thinking that won't work either. My goal is to be realistic. I was thinking that maybe I am having a hard time with VLCD because of the things I eat on the load. I will be doing a cleanse since it is the only thing I haven't tried. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and asking that everyone do the same for me. Everyone seems to have their struggles but I'm back at the starting line. At this point, if you see someone on tv that stapled their lips together, it will be me (a little humor for the day). I definitely know I will need more supplies but want to show some progress that I will be able to accomplish this goal.

I'm still thankful for everyone being so supportive and those who may have been disappointed for not expressing the negative stuff. I have beat myself up enough over it.

Why Diets Fail

I'm convinced that diets don't fail simply because they are bad. I think we all have different issues that we need to address first (i.e., emotional eating, candida problems, etc.). A few years ago when I went to see my doctor about my weight, I told her I had been trying to eat healthier. I would have grilled chicken and a salad for lunch and stayed hungry. I convinced myself that I shouldn't eat it because it would not satisfy my appetite. Then I tried to choose low calorie Healthy Choice only to find myself eating chips and candy afterwards because I was still hungry. My greatest fear with this diet is not succeeding but the lengths I would go to reach my goals. A lot of days I would prefer not to post because it seems like I have the same issue day in and out. Then last weekend I started thinking about my grandfather. He died when I was about 11 and was well over 300 lbs. Tired of being ridiculed, he went through drastic measures by trying homemade concoctions. I feel like I have a deeper purpose to fulfill. I know that if I don't figure out how to make this work correctly, I will forever be miserable with my weight. However, I do believe the greatest reward comes from that which made you work the hardest.

Suggestions Needed

I'll try to make this post as short as possible. I go in with great intentions and clean out the bad stuff in the house. Well I eat the protein and the veggies but I never get satisfied. I have increased the protein and fill I am eating enough veggies in one meal but after some time it feels pointless, like it won't solve anything. I usually deal with it for lunch but an hour later and on I am still hungry (or not satisfied). This is when it gets out of hand. By the time I get home, I already have in my head that if I eat what I had for lunch then I will have the same results. None of the protocol food does it for me and even drinking the tea doesn't solve the problem. Since I only have protocol food in the house, it encourages me to stop somewhere and get something. So this weekend I decided to find some low calorie snacks. I know it is wrong but honestly I have a week left. Either I quit now and say I won't lose anything anyway on this round or I try to make something of it. EFT is okay but I use it when I am hungry. Basically I haven't eaten. I don't eat because this has the same ripple effect each day.

I do plan on doing a cleanse before I do anything else. Maybe that will help with the "hunger" issues. I'm honestly not wanting anything in particular when I feel this wasy. I just want to feel satisfied so I won't have that nagging feeling all night long. That usually keeps me up and the next day I am grumpy. I'm even taking some appetite suppressants but that hasn't accomplished my goal either. I tried one of the Kevin Trudeau cleanses one time and that did nothing. I was popping about 10 pills per day with nothing to show for it.

So much for making this short...LOL

Please give your suggestions, even if they are some good cleanses. I'll have to look through my emaisl to see what other people have recommended too. I see everyone else losing and not having this same type of problem.

What To Do?

Let me start by saying yesterday I tried the celery soup and it had too much pepper. So that was unsuccessful. I was drinking tea throughout the day and my water. Basically I ate around 2pm, an apple. Then about an hour later I had my spaghettiless sauce with cabbage. I definitely know it was over 100 grams of meat but I ate it. I think I am more satisfied with more variety at my meals or something. When I was done, I was fine but like 2 hours later I was hungry. I ate some chicken later on when I got home and another piece of fruit. I went to bed about 11pm and woke up at 1:15am. I basically stayed up until four and then got 2 more hours of sleep. The result? I woke up hungry and irritable. I was actually hungry at 1:15am but I never eat that time in the morning. One of my friends isn't on the diet but says she maintains her weight by spreading out her meals. My problems is that nothing is appealing enough for me to spread out. Could I possibly need some sort of cleanse? It is so bad that I was reading a magazine and saw this new drug. I was thinking maybe I can get that and definitely won't want to eat. That is not a solution. The other day my deep inner self said to call it quits. But I will never be happy unless I get my eating habits under control.

I honestly dealt with this even when I was cutting calories. I told my doctor I eat the way I do because when I try to do it healthy I am still hungry in the end. This was about a year ago. She told me to bring in my food chart. I honestly know what I can and cannot eat. What I can't figure out is why I want to eat certain things and why others never satisfy me. I would rather eat a happy meal than to eat a healthy meal, still be hungry, and end up eating all the wrong things still. Is that a classification of emotional eating? I'm not eating other than being hungry.

If anyone has ever fasted for a day only to get to midnight and think I can't go to bed until I finally eat something, that's basically what I feel like. Grab a cup of spinach and still feel the same? What to do?

Eureka

I think I got it. I have eliminated emotional eating as to be my focus for cheating. The food just doesn't tempt me. I had some celery soup and put too much pepper in it. After a few bites I didn't want anymore. Now it is 3:30 pm and I had some of the soup, water, and an apple. I'm going to force myself to eat something so I won't be too hungry. I am slightly hungry but don't feel like eating what I have. I think that is why I keep thinking I need something else. The crazy part is by the time I get it, I pick over that too. I don't want to give in so I'm just dealing with it.

Time to get my 2nd bottle of water.

Past Hurts

I have had a pretty good week. With my weight, I'm dealing with the TOM and have managed to lose maybe 0.4 lb. per day but I stalled last night. Hopefully, it will increase this week. Because of the problems I have had, I am planning to make several batches of soup so I can have that throughout the day. I have only been eating when I'm hungry and I think it has been somewhat of a mistake.

Mentally, I feel growth. I never knew how much I became a victim of my past hurts. Because I was a common demoninator in relationships, I told myself that I had the problem. I do feel that I was too accepting and forgiving. It is funny how different life seems. I was riding the subway yesterday and saw my train coming. I was just getting on the elevator and told myself there is no need to the rush because the foors are going to close before I get there. Then I thought, I should at least try so I ran down the escalator and caught the train. That's why I never encourage giving up or quitting as an option. It solves nothing other than giving you an easy way out.

Letting Go

I see people that say they are stalling for a particular item but how can you know. I honestly think my weight shows up days later. I am looking at my pattern and after loading I am usually down, I dont gain. But then I see it days later. I'm not certain if it is because I am not able to make it because I was also sick after I started and my appetite had increased. I found myself waking up with a growling stomach. Plus I was eating on both time zones.

But, the reason for the title of this post is because yesterday I woke up with the plan that I was going to be mean to people that were mean to me. It made perfect sense but I never did it. I realized that even though I believe I have forgiven a person it has still been a burden to me because I hadn't let go. So, I went to my messenger and unblocked a few folks that were on my list. Of course they started talking and I actually felt better. It was a sense of victory. By evening, I pulled out this brain change book. When I first started reading, I was taking notes and said I needed to answer a few of the questions asked.

Beyond losing weight, what do you most want to change about your life?

I want to be free and release this negative self-image I have about myself. While I think I am a wonderful person on the inside, I think I get treated based on my outside. And whenever I can't put a reason on something, then I conclude my weight is the reason. My mother and I were talking and she said can't you tell that so and so is conceited. But then I told her, some people act like that because of how someone treated them. I told her I am withdrawn because I always feel like an outsider. When I lose weight and can wear something sleeveless, I'm going to act cute too. :-)

Almost

Well, I almost made it. I even used Splenda this morning to sweeten my tea and it worked. I had some Miracle Noodles for lunch with some hamburger meat and spinach. I was fine. Now it is about 4:30 pm and I had a sudden feeling that I was about to throw up. Now I remember the very first day I started this, I ended up doing just that. I'm not sure if it is because my eating habits are drastically changing but I ended up eating some trail mix. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me. I didn't feel hungry but was actually doing something so my mind was occupied. I'm not a huge trail mix eater but it was the only thing in my cabinet. I tried the melba snacks at first but that did nothing. Tomorrow I'll have to bring some extra protein just in case. I didn't have anything else at work since I had eaten my lunch and my snack. Normally I'm not hungry.

Being Perfect

When I think about my success (I have had a few) and failures with this diet, my biggest one is trying to be perfect. Every day I start the diet and the slighest slipup turns my perfect day into a failure. Then I spend the rest of the day messing it up so I can start the next day fresh. This has only left me lagging behind in weight loss results. I wanted to be an example to so many struggling but who is really able to do anything 100% right.

I have spent my whole life listening to people convince me that I am someone else. Now I am confused and trying to find the real me. I have put other people's feelings ahead of my own yet I am left to deal with my own hurt. It has made me a stronger person and losing weight will make me a better one. One of my new friends put my picture on his website. He actually kept asking me to get in pictures. I wouldn't dare say it but I was thinking I bet I am going to look so fat. Then I heard others going down to the beach and saying don't look at me in my bathing suit. I was wishing I looked like that in mine. So my lesson learned is everyone has flaws, there is no need in blowing up mine.

Have a safe and wonderful 4th of July!

Frustrated Again

First, I decide to ask so called HCG supporters for help because no matter how many more vegetables I eat it is not filling me up. Most say you should eat fiber in your diet but besides the apple there isn't too much fiber to work with. I'm not certain if I need more fiber, starch, carbs or what but my stomach feels just as empty before I eat the meat and veggies than it does afterwards. To some, that is an excuse. I am making this up. I really don't feel this way. What?!? I know the difference between wants and needs. I want something sweet but I don't get it. I'm not feeling like I want to pass out because I don't have something sweet. I've always been about finding a solution. I do want to be reasonable and find something within the protocol that works. But what if I don't? Is that reason to quit and say HCG isn't for me? NO! I have said from Day 1 that I seem to struggle more than most and want to encourage and find a way for others to succeed. No, not by visiting the drive thru and not cheating just to cheat but finding legitimate ways that work.

Then I was trying to tell my mother about my frustrations. She doesn't know anything about HCG and most people end up telling me I feel this way because I am deprived of foods I want. Then she says your problem is you eat after 6pm. I work 7:30-6 and go to bed around 11. I told her that works for her because she is sleep by 8. So now I am suppose to starve if I need to eat at 6:30. Generally, I don't eat after 8:30 so now my excess weight is because of that.

I give myself credit for trying but am more frustrated because trying hasn't found a solution and hasn't given me much progress in terms of weight loss. I love salads but they have to have all the toppings and dressing. The protocol doesn't allow it. Do I say, well I can have a small salad anyway? No, I don't tempt myself. Instead, I say well I can deal with the spinach, bok choy, cabbage, and a few others. Chicken breast is my worst piece of chicken so I don't attempt to eat it knowing I can't stand it. I choose other meats on the list. So, when I cheat, it isn't on purpose. I don't wake up in the morning and say what can I have that I'm not suppose to just like a person doesn't wake up and say I want to be poor today or homeless.

To end this post today, I am frustrated but determined. I want to look back and say remember you said I didn't want to lose weight because I was having trouble. Well, I am human and I made it. This is what I did. Now I can help someone else.

No Starch

I'm not sure how many people are having this problem but I'm not really hungry but I feel like I need some sort of carbs. I'm so confused that I don't know what it is that gives you that full feeling. I am eating the protein and even the veggies but when I'm done I don't feel satisfied. I don't think it is a lack of calories but moreso a lack of starch. The other day I gave in and put some kidney beans in my chili.

Every day I have to ask myself why can't I stick to this. I have never thought it was the limited amount of calories but thought it was the lack of variety. But, no matter what protein and veggie combo I eat, I am still hungry. I have added more of similar veggies but then some I avoid altogether because they are more tolerable with something else (i.e. celery & peanut butter).

I don't like Stevia either so I also don't want to drink tea.

It's worse now that it is hot. I really want to eat cold items like fruit and popsicles.