Self Reflection

I was pretty hurt when I typed my last post and I read all the comments so far. I was really disappointed in myself. Last week I was suppose to go back to my specialist and I didn't. I told myself there was no need because I knew I was a couple of pounds up from the last time I saw her in March. This week was almost the same thing. I have spent years developing this hard exterior to cover up my real feelings and I believe it is starting to crack. As I was driving to her office yesterday, I thought to myself, "Do I believe I deserve this?" Although I would want to say yes, I really wasn't sure. I think I honestly believe I deserve a lot of things but because they haven't happened then I assume it is because I am not deserving. But, enough of that.

I weighed in. Here is how I compared to my first visit with her in January. I am down 8.4 lbs. in weight, 5.8 in fat%, my fat mass has decreased 16.6 lbs, and my fat free mass (muscle) has actually increased 8.2 lbs. I haven't been doing the diet the entire time. I even had quite a break waiting for the challenge to begin. So for people that think you lose muscle, you don't. In fact, I gained some.

I'll leave it at that today. I will post some mroe about the rest of our conversation tomorrow. I try to keep up with everyone's posts and usually never get to post my own after reading a commenting. Plus I am going out of the country next week and need to do some preparation.

I know once I get through the mental part of it, the physical will be easy.

I Want to Be Fat...NOT!!!

I knew people could be cruel but never like this. I usually check a couple of posts on a daily basis even if I don't post one of my own. I was amazed and happy for the update that over 411 lbs. had been lost in 6 weeks but then I was disappointed that I haven't added much to the total. I know this diet isn't easy for anyone but why does it have to be so hard for me. I don't get intimidated easily but have learned that I do when weight loss is involved. Over the past few days I have almost found myself in tears (and I don't cry easily). I have learned to be independent and not express myself in fear of being judged. I have been using the HCG message boards lately and found myself sharing and asking more questions lately only to be told, "Why can't you just follow the protocol?" I try to be a very understanding person but it does sting when others don't give that in return. I honestly chose this diet because I do need discipline. It's taking me too long to get it. If I had to be honest I would have to say that food has been the most faithful to me. Maybe that is why it seems so hard to give up. Despite the pain (emotionally and physically) it has caused me, it has always been there whether I needed it or not. I am definitely a voice that wants to be heard.


To be continued...

Happy Memorial Day

Well, I made it through an entire day. It was somewhat hard (more towards the end of the day than the beginning. I wanted to go to the farmer's market and get some fresh fruit and veggies but silly me thought it was open on Sunday. I have been eating the ground beef. It isn't that bad with some tomato sauce and herbs. I also tried some bok choy for the first time. It was baby bok choy so I'm not sure if I cut off too much or not but it was edible. I have still had my rough spots have been dropping 0.2 to 0.4 lbs per day because of it. Last night I dropped 2.4 lbs. I am definitely happy. I beat myself up a whole lot but then everything can't come easy. I like to think of myself as a strong person but I take it I can't be strong in all areas. I am hanging in there though. The potassium helped a lot. It's been harder to stay consistent because of travel. In less than 2 weeks, I'm going out of the country. I won't be on the protocol then but hope I can still shed some pounds.

Fatique & Potassium

I am completely losing my mind these days. Yesterday I went to bed around 8:30 if I waited that late and slept unitl 6AM. Now it is almost 4PM and I'm just as tired as I was yesterday. I have been completely neglecting my potassium pills, which I think is probably the problem. I need to get it into my system because it is making me completely sluggish.

On a better note, the slightest compliment is making my day go a lot better. This morning someone said they liked my hair. From a complete stranger. Now I need to add weight loss to the list. I want my old office to think they were causing me to pack on and keep on the pounds. LOL

Reality

I'm trying to have a huge reality check. I have evil and good sitting on my shoulders today. One is saying, "It's such a short amount of time, you can do it." The other is going, "This is too hard. Take what you can get. Just lose something." The water and I are staring at each other and my mind is filled with all sorts of food choices. I'm a little hungry but not starving. My ground beef has been in the refrigerator since last week.

I think being single is starting to get to me. Plus I am an only child. I don't want to say lonely because I feel content. At the same time, I do notice a difference when I'm around others. It moves my concentration off of food. I'm trying to do more things but even going to the gym now seems like a struggle. Mainly because I feel so exhausted. I am starting to think I suffer with sleep apnea, which is another reason to lose weight.

The 2nd Time Around

I didn't realize I hadn't posted since I came back from being out of town. I have been reading everyone's posts though. During my plane ride, I scanned through my book on emotional eating. It hasn't been that beneficial. What I learned is that I'm in that special category that "binges" when I am on a restricted eating plan. I had what I wanted last week but food was not my focus. I weigh in on a weekly basis anyway and had somehow gained 4 lbs. I think I am definitely having a problem with water weight and it is irritating.

Anyway, I did the load for two days last week. I didn't feel like pigging out but then I was right back where I started the next day. On Friday, I had a bunch to do and expected to be back home early that day. I didn't get home until 8pm and by that time gave in before I got home because all I had was an apple all day. I made it to about 5. Despite all that my weight has been slowly decreasing. I am back to 214.4. In my book, it is about 211 since I seem to hold on to 3 lbs of water.

Update

I've been too worn out to post anything this week. I'm going out of town starting tomorrow and stoppde the injections last week. I did manage to lose 5 lbs. One of my coworkers thought it was good but since it isn't a normal diet, I could have done a lot better. I spoke with my specialist and she is going to try to see if she can help me with the food issues. I'm starting again when I return and plan to make the most of it. One of my problems is that I probably had the dosage too high (175IU). I didn't do it intentionally thinking it would be more effective. I also saw my specialist today and my vision has not deteriorated but he told me I need to be diligent in losing weight. I had lost weight since my last visit but I need to increase my discipline this time around. I'll probably do fine while out of town since I tend not to think about eating when around others.

On another note, today was my last day in the office. I start in my new office on Tuesday. Since I was against a luncheon, they decided to bring in fruit, cereal, yogurt, and juice. Thank goodness I was off of the protocol because it still would have been on the forbidden list. I am trying not to use food as a method of celebration anymore though. It has caused enough harm in my life.