Cure in a Bottle??

I haven't posted in some time. I'm working on my excuses. One of the major things stopping me from cooking, going to the gym, etc. is there is too much clutter in my life. It is only leading to a bunch of chaos and confusion. I never know where to start. For weeks, I have been digging in my drawer in the morning trying to find a matching pair of knee-his. Last week I got tired of it and dumped the whole pile on my bed. I told myself that when I got home, I was going to match the pairs together and throw out the extras. Then I moved on to the kitchen. I found that I had every flavor of smoothie mixes, vegetables, protein powders (soy and whey). I haven't started on my collection of vitamins. Then I had fiber tablets and powders. In the end, I felt wasteful. I realized that I have been looking for a "cure in a bottle." If another product promises something different then I rushed to buy it. It's only left me with a pile of things that I don't use. While I had good intentions, I only got these things wanted all the pain to erase itself.

Well last week once I started cleaning things out I noticed that my eating also became different. I started cooking for one and packing my lunch. Even if there was nothing to eat I just didn't want to pick up anything out. I was tired of fries altogether.

I'm kick starting the protocol in January. I won't fool myself into thinking it will work in December. I can no longer live a lie.

One of my coworkers sent me a link about cleaning out the "junk in your trunk." Evne if you aren't religious, you can get the message. It really felt like myself. Not knowing how to deal with something so I just tossed it aside. Now I'm busting out at the seams and not knowing which emotions to deal with first.

http://www.tdjakes.com/site/PageServer?pagename=ms3_topic_grow_junk

True Colors

Why, why, why? I just know everytime I stick a toe out I come back missing a toenail. So why keep sticking it out there? Surely it has to be safe at least one of those times. LOL. I'm at the point that I just have to laugh at stuff. Asking why never gives me a good enough answer.

So, I have this friend that always says I asked you to the movies. Well I finally said okay. Well let's say we were suppose to see each other yesterday and I have not heard a thing. I went into this with no expectations at all. Either it was going to happen or it wasn't. It helps eliminate disappointment.

Recently, I've been telling myself the decent male race is not extinct. It isn't. So find a true male friend to prove it to you. What a slap in the face. This is the 2nd time that I had these good intentions only to prove me wrong.

I'm ready to cash in all the lies I've been told. The economy is bad so I can be rich. It's very easy for someone to say move on. Although I can do that, it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. As soon as someone comes along, I'm going to expect the same because that's all I've seen. That's the real issue.

Exercise

Well I hope everyone is doing well. I can only imagine how everyone is feeling with all the holidays coming up. It's easy for me to opt out of the division wide parties. I eat enough by myself and don't need anyone else accompanying me. It is finally Friday and I'm going to run away. Away from myself. I realized this last week. Am I really taking a break when I'm by myself? I only move locations. LOL

Has anyone been watching Ruby on Style? It looks like it is a motivational reality show. I recorded it so hoepfully I can see it before the weekend is out.

Now time to go home to figure out what to eat, what to clean, what to watch, etc. :-)

Oh the topic is coming from me getting back in the gym. I think it's time for me to learn some new things. I want to feel the success not imagine it.

Down Then Up

Seems like a good moment to read some of my book, which I probably will after I iron some clothes. I'm using this weekend for me. Anything I do must not involve anyone else or be for them.

It is TOM for me and I don't know if that contributed to it but yesterday I felt like I was at my lowest. I had trouble sleeping the night before and woke up with a headache. I sitll have a slight one even though a day had past. At once every hurt, anger, and all the bad moments came back at once. I was hurting for every lie told ever told to me. I didn't deserve it. I wanted to scream but I cried instead. When I woke up, at work, driving in the car, etc.

I always feel like I'm holding myself up at the seams. I need to cry out the hurt but have no idea how deep it goes. Once I say, I'm hurt because of this then I realize I only was hurt because of something else that happened. Everyone says to let it go and I always think I did. I'm just always reminded when another hurt shows.

But anyway, now I am back to my original self. I just came from a comedy show and laughed until I just about cried. I definitely had to catch my breath at one point.

My New List

I have decided that I need to journal. As much as I think I am letting go of things they are still there. I am started to recognize that my excess weight represents my baggage. Baggage that I want to let go yet there seems to be some underlying fear. So I thought my best idea yet besides not quitting would be to right down a hurt, disappointment, etc that I want to get rid of. One for each pound I want to shed. I'm hoping as the pounds come off I can check the hurt off and call it a done deal. I know there is much more work that needs to be done behind the scenes but this has to be my roadblock.

Feel free to do the same but I better not find this in anyone's book later :-)