Fueled By Anger

Out of all the emotions, I think anger motivates me the most. I'm a little upset about a few things that has nothing to do with the diet. Then I am getting hurt by it. Since I am trying to cool down I don't want to get into it. I'm just looking to fuel my detox by anger too. As soon as I figure out what and why I'll be angry :-)

I'm starting to feel a lot better. I was having regular bowel movements at my grandmothers. At least I think. It is crazy but a lot of times I don't pay attention to a lot of things. I think the foods was throwing my system out of whack.

9/24

We may be able to all agree on this one but there isn't enough time in the day. I started to post something yesterday but I was not in the best mood. I weigh in weekly anyway and had gained 2 lbs. I'm hoping that maybe this was just due to my bad habits over the week. I was out of town and I must admit a few nights I definitely ate a lot. For instance, I flew out Tuesday morning and was eating about 7. I think I had a piece of fruit in between that time so I was starving around 7. At my grandmothers, I wasn't doing a lot of meats and ate a lot of vegetables but can say I ate grits for breakfast. I think it may be the carbs because I was not pigging out on the meats and greasy stuff. I overdid it on the sugar drinks though. My poor excuse was I only see and taste my grandmother's cooking once a year. Now I am in the pits but can't put it all on that weekend.

So I'm back to work and still having trouble getting all the stuff I need to do to detox my body. I picked up Detox Strategy at the library and was frustrated because I didn't see candida mentioned but all the other cleanses. So I picked up a brochure on the products during lunch. Work is another issue. All day long I have been on an issue so that means I have accomplished nothing else.

I spend too much time on things not directly benefitting me but I have to do.

Learning More

I'm glad to hear that everyone is hanging in there. Life does happen and you can't avoid that. Anyway, I am currently out of town so I probably won't post until early next week since I won't have access to email. But before I left home I did the self test for candida again and found that it was positive. So I need to do a candida cleanse and some more products to get it back on track.

Specialist Results

I never mentioned about my visit to the specialist. Well he was asking about my weight loss and told me he hates to nag me but I really need to get it done. This I know. I could have serious complications from this disease and it could lead to blindess. I could have broke out in tears, not so much because of the possibilities, but because I want to lose weight. There are so many things getting in my way and I can't seem to get a handle on it. I'm not sure what small steps I need to take to accomplish this. Everything seems like a huge leap sometimes. I wish the fellow challengers had a way on contacting each other outside of the blog. I am assuming that eithe people are taking a break or may be having difficulties. I understand not wanting to share with the world too. Been there, done that.

Yesterday I did better but crashed when I got home. I suck at cooking so my meat is always dry. That's why I hate heating it up. Then I felt really guilty for not going to the gym. I feel better when I go and it takes my mind off of what to eat, what I'm not eating, etc. I almost wanted to cry because I did not go. To me, this is a sign of a serious issue. I know I wasn't a bad person or a failure because I didn't go. I may need to go right from work because I have too much idle time between when I get home to when the class starts.

Limping

I'm away from home for the weekend and no scale is in sight. Actually, I prefer only to weigh on the same scale. Silly me was rushing yesterday and fell down a few steps. I'm not completely hurt but I can feel some pain in my foot. It could have been rushed. The funny part is there is a black spot on the door where my shoe finally rested. LOL I wanted to get up in the morning and do the treadmill. Hopefully I will feel up it. I'll try it out but start feeling somewhat bad when I keep standing up for a long period of time.

Anyway, for the positive momentum. I get it through bally Fitness. I'm not sure where to go to sign up for it once you get to the website. I'm a member and it may be a newsletter. Most days it tells you about food, sometimes exercise, and other days about setting goals.

9/4

Well today I go see my specialist and I'm sure he will comment on the weight I haven't lost. I might just tell him to wave his magic wand and poof me smaller. It would make all my frustrations go away. I'm mostly irritated. I allowed the hunger to go away last week but my day can go crazy in just a moment. I was in class last week and had to run an errand during lunch. It took me longer than expected so I didn't have time for lunch. By 4pm, I was starving and that's when my wants overshadowed my needs. The next day I tried again, I can't remember what the issue was but then by the weekend my day was ruined by my group exercise class being cancelled. All of it has made me learn that I have more issues than I think. I am an only child, single for years (LOL), no kids, and I learned to just be by myself. I've convinced myself that I am alright with it but I think my eating and lack of all stimulates from being lonely. It has to be it because surely if I was dating or something I would be daydreaming about the person and forgetting my hunger issues. I can go out of town and come back smaller. So all of this has been going on and I didn't want to talk about it. I'm reading and gaining understanding but no solution.

For the past couple of days also I have been having like a low back pain. So I'll be spending my day trying to figure out the cause of that. My system is probably all screwed up. I know my water intake is not up to standards. It is a challenge to drink warm water and I'm so cold at work that I don't want to enter shock from turning into an ice cube.

I honestly feel like a failure when it comes to this challenge because everything else is so easy to me. Would I look at a person with a struggle that isn't mine and say why did you do that, that doesn't work, you aren't committed, etc. I don't see that here but I see enough of it on different groups that it makes me hesitant on sharing. Last week I was watching a woman on tv smoking while she was pregnant. She knew it was wrong but it was addictive to her. I could relate. I don't smoke but I eat what I shouldn't. I wouldn't dare tell the woman she just doesn't care about her child because she did. That is really where my undeserving attitude comes in. I almost feel like I want to lose weight but must not deserve it because it seems so challenging. Nothing else in my life is. Why can't I have a different struggle? Trying right now just doesn't seem good enough to me.